I WAS THINKING...
...why don't single people give more advice about relationships. Really, it struck me this week that we are the experts. Picture it this way, you are either the scientist or the experiment. The only way I can make sense of it is that you are the scientist until you get married at which time you become the experiment. So here is my "expert" advice: The idea that two people are different and that is the reason (or excuse) for a relationship failing is very poor. God has helped me understand in the past couple of months through a friend that if I look for someone that communicates like I do, makes the bed like I do, and runs on the same schedule I do, it is not that I love the girl but rather that I love myself. Problems that arise in a relationship because of differences (I speak not of theological or moral differences) are because the individual(s) love themselves and can't see to love the other person for the wonderful and beautiful individual that they are. A married couple (experiment that I studied this weekend:) told me that they would recommend you marry someone that is different - with the right perspective it makes life so much more fun.What else have I been thinking about? This week I received a letter that said; "Pastor Goetz, Congratulations! You are expected to finish... your diploma will be sent sometime in January..." Today I was informed my ministry will be discussed in the Pennsylvania Conf. and I should be finding out where I will next serve God this week. I am already falling in love with the people... whoever they may be.
I was thinking... serving Jesus was the best decision I have ever made.
I was thinking... serving Jesus was the best decision I have ever made.
posted by holamickey | 5:28 PM
23 Comments:
Ya know, I have thought about the single people giving advice thing before. Whenever I give advice though I feel as if when I am in a relationship people are gonna look back and say, "now I remember when you were single and you said such and such...your thoughts on the matter are much different now that you are in a relationship aren't they?" Then I think to myself, "whatever...I'll give my opinion on the matter anyway" ;)
Oh, and you'll have to tell "all of us" where you are gonna be after Andrews. Congrats on everything. It is wonderful to be searving God, isn't it?? I completely agree that it is the best decision I have ever made. Anyway, this is getting really long. Have a fantabulous day!
I would agree and disagree! I do think the scientist aspect is good - learning from relationships and work or don't is good. Boiled down, I think that the part I disagree with is the difference part. I would agree and disagree - depends on what the differences are and if each individual is able and willing to live with the differences. We each have to look at ourselves and at the other person and prayerfully make a choice. I certainly won't date a pack-rat! Anyway, this would best be saved for an actual conversation as this is really getting long! Congrats on the soon-to-receive diploma!
Those are some deep thoughts. I agree with you that “self-love” is the biggest contributor to problems in a relationship. My “expert” thoughts on this whole difference issue, however, is that only God knows how different two people can be and still be compatible and very happy together. The important thing is to know with absolute confidence that this is the person God has chosen for you. Then whatever differences surface they will be will be seen as blessings that add beauty to the relationship. Wouldn’t you agree?
Wow Micheal...This is going to be a loooong comment!! First off, kudos for speaking your mind and heart in a very interesting & scientific way. Ok, forget the scientific part!! Deep breath...I agree on the love for self thing, I have never really thought of it that way before but I feel that it's not so much a selfish-evil desire, we're human! Someone I look up to here at work told me yesterday, in a conversatioin we were having on relationships, that after getting out of her abusive marriage she was scared to let anyone else near her or her son...but after daily devotions with a close friend she was instructed to make a list of things that she wanted in a man & to be VERY specific! She made the list right down to the tee! Height - 6'2.5", dark hair, etc...Spending her first Christmas with her special someone, she felt comfortable with showing him the list that she made. After looking it over he said, cool, it's exactly me! Then she told him that she made that list 1 1/2 years ago, before they even met!! God brought that perfect man into her life...and she is so very much in love and happy! She told me that she knew what she didn't want, someone abusive, jealous, who hurts her child...so everything else she could work with! Obviously we know there has to be similiar religious beliefs but everything else is just plato!! A relationship is something that you have to work at every single day! Sometimes, every single minute! I think the best way to work thru a relationship can only be done if you are in a wonderful relationship with your heavenly Father. After all, He is the perfect example! Our relationship with Him is going to be a reflection in our relationship with that special someone...so I wouldn't even try it you're struggling with Him. If you know you have a tight relationship with God then go for it! But only by unceasing prayer and devotion...then and only then will He reveal His will in the relationship category! At the same time, you will still have to make a decision because He can't & won't make it for you! I think you're on the right track though. Just be patient though...that's a super-duper hard thing for me to do but I know it's what it's going to take for God's best!
HUGE KUDOS for the diploma!! What an awesome accomplishment! I just know that God is going to do marvelous things thru you...and I know you will let Him!
Good thoughts folks - this is what science is about :)
Kim - You are right... but in the end it is better to have an opinion and change it (or grow it) than to live with no opinion at all.
Paeter - thanks for agreeing and disagreeing. There are "things" that I suppose are out of bounds. But in my perspective we err on the side of not allowing differences.
Staci- I agree! It is imperative to stand in front of the alter and know that he/she is God's gift to you. It still seems to me that our love (how I do things) for self prevents this.
wow Micheal, You've always been bold and still are. thanks for the openness and truth you shared about self-love. that is so true. it's scary when you, talking about myself, see it in yourself. Staci makes a great point about needing to now for sure.... how in the world does that happen!!!??? Anyways, glad to see the MAC bug te pico. suerte y bendicciones bien grandes!!
Elizabeth - I give a big "amen" to persisting with God and being patient with Him. Thanks for the Kudos.
Melanie - I'm hoping it's a good bold! :) Yours is the BIG question. You find the answer... and you become muy rich selling it to the rest :) Really - I think many have settled for the idea that we need something supernatural (a glowing blue light) - but if we are honest God has most often led by the "hand of providence." EGW says we "dishonor God" when we pray and then act like we don't have wisdom. I just wonder if I wait expecting God to move... while often he "silently works" (meaning sometimes we can't mark specifics). Well I suppose this goes better in a discussion.
Muchas Gracias-ya tengo a ir y escuchar un sermon :)
Yyyyy....que pensaste del sermon?!Espero que te bendicio. muy bien. hoy fui sin comida por el asunto que estuviste hablando. EGW dice que algunas cosas no se van decididos sin "fasting" y oracion. no se si estaba hablando de las cosas asi. animo!
How to know if this person is God's will? That seems to be the question being discussed here. Let me give the steps that have guided me in knowing God's will for areas of my life:
1) Surrender myself and my wishes and desires to God. "Not my will, but thy will be done."
2)Seek guidance in God's word -- what are the principles here -- I also ask for God to give me verses that confirm His will to me and He does.
3) Providential leading -- can I see the fingerprints of God all over this? Is God working without my intervention and manipulation?
4) Confirmation by close spiritual friends/family -- Do those closest to me who have a relationship with God see God's leading here? Do they recognize providence at work?
5) Peace of God -- do I have perfect peace about this decision? Am I sure that this is God's will?
When these five come together in my life I know God is leading. It is the most awesome expereince imaginable!
As one who's been "experimenting" for the last nearly 8 years, I have to agree with your conclusions (move over, Dr. Phil!). Along that line, I would also have to agree with Paeter - if they're differences that don't drive you nuts or that you're able to overlook with grace, then no worries. As one of my H.S. teachers once said, "if it's something that bothers you and not your spouse, then you take care of it - don't make an issue out of it; just move on". As long as you're able to do that, then you'll go far in any relationship. Pick which hills are worth dying on, and don't sweat the rest!
Congrats on the forthcoming graduation/placement! I am so excited for you and the next phase of your life! Just over a week, and we can talk in person... looking forward to it!
Well friends, thanks for all your insightful thoughts. I've wondered and pondered much on this topic in the light of my own experiences. I've often wondered about our generation. Are we over-analyzing this whole thing? I mean, has there ever been such a veritable mountain of relationship/dating goodbye /soulmate books in the history of humanity has has been published in the last 20 years? (I have no clue, but I'm curious if its true) Maybe it happens with every generation. But I have a feeling we're unusually worried. Honestly, I think there's one main reason our conservative christian generation of this era (I speak of evangelicals generally, including SDAs) has been so engrossed in the analysis of relationships. 1) our parent's generation messed things up so bad when it came to dating, marriage, etc (I speak broadly, in the sense of the baby boomers that came of age in the 60s-70s, not to any one of our parents individually) that we're afraid that we will easily follow their footsteps. (Granted, I come from a divorced home and most of you on this blog do not. However, remember that you are in the minority among Christian homes and SDA homes. And the prevailing fear, I think, has also affected you) We're afraid of commitment, afraid of making tough decisions because we realize we may be making the wrong one. Of course as I write, I realize my own experience is coming into the picture. But I sincerely believe this is a big part of why many, at least, tend to overanalyze and are hesitant of commitment. As grandpa once said "In my day, you saw her, you liked her, you spent some time with her, and you married her youngin! what you waitin for?!" :) Oversimplified, I know, but maybe there is a little truth there! (when I say grandpa, I mean grandpas in general, not necesarily my personal grandpa. that's just for the record)
I much agree with mr. tenn. (kyle). What's wrong with this overanalization. I'm really good at this and my mom denounces it in me all the time. How much "careful" is to careful?
This comment has been removed by the author.
This has turned out to be quite the interesting conversation! I appreciate everyone's comments...especially Kyle's-I mean, Mr. Tennessee Wisdom's! The bottom line is we're human and fear is a part of our characters...but we just need to keep our eyes focused on Jesus and when we least expect it He will bring that wonderful person into our lives. No overanalyzing needed!! That only gets us (at least it does me) in trouble!
Tennessee: Perhaps part of the reason we're more worried about relationships today is that in our current western culture, getting divorced has never been easier. I just saw an article yesterday about a some counties that now allow ONLINE divorce applications! You don't even need to leave your home now, just send the offensive spouse away, no paperwork required! (Just Click Here!)
Michael (and everyone): But if you met someone that communicates like you do, makes the bed like you do, and runs on the same schedule you do (I’m simply implying they ARE similar in more ways than not), would you then conclude you couldn’t love them, because you couldn’t be sure if you were loving them or yourself? I’ve met happily married couples who nearly were the spitting image of each other in so many ways. (And some that weren’t). Is the issue really about how “fun” life will be, or how uplifting to God our lives will be? And whether or not our personality (and our partner’s!) enjoys experiencing differences in people more or less? Is not that itself a similarity, enjoying differences? Is it right or wrong to have such preferences?
Michael,
Before I got married or even had a girlfriend, I gave advice about relationships all the time. Now that I'm married, I realize that I don't know much about it.
Differences are differences. No matter if the person is or isn't like us, we're all guilty of self-love. It's the basic problem of humankind.
man, it looks like you should put up some more posts on relationship advice considering how many people crawl out of the wood work to comment on it! must be the hot topic these days? and while the rest of the civilized world is contemplating the idea of relationships, I think I will just continue to sit in my no-man's wilderness in the outback of Canada and think about the bears instead!
Anonymous - my original thesis was not that being similiar is anti-love but rather differences are a poor reason for love not to grow and in my life pointed to an inward issue.
Kyle - that sounds like good wisdom (Tennessee or not) :) Melanie and Elizabeth confirm it also holds water in Michigan.
Shawn - I suppose when I go from scientist to experiment I too will realize that... but for now I mumble my findings...blessings bro.
Autumn - I don't care how much "men" and bears have in common... you can't trade us in. :)
To all - "Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight" (Wild at Heart) It's a good book by the way.
"Have Mercy" to quote Dr. TN. I think overall we probably agree more than we realize. The counsel we are given I think could be boiled down to basically what Staci said - prayerfully make a wise choice. We are told that there are people who just aren't fitted to be together and at the same time we are also admonished to be adaptable. EGW has some strong statements about the trouble (even to the point of being a salvation issue) that is caused by mismatched marriages and at the same time she admonishes couples to be adaptable. Prayerfully and with counsel, in between one will find the symphony I think. Someone once said "common sense is one of the most uncommon things." Perhaps we could all use a little bit in relationships.
I don't know if you singles want to hear from a newlywed, but here's my two cents anyway. It is essential to be similar to your spouse on certain things, i.e. theology, spirituality, Christian standards that you have both chosen to uphold, etc. It's better to be able to communicate intimately on the same level with the person too. However, there are certain negotiables where it adds interest to your relationship to marry someone who is different -such as personality types. My husband and I have different personalities, and we have a blast together, and amuse everyone else in the process.
Anyway. My two cents. Take 'em or leave 'em.
so i comment again because well.... I liked Joelle's two cents. Personality differences make things fun...and all the rest too.
It was an interesting observation at marriage Mike. I realize this was posted a year ago, but if you don't mind, I would like to add a little about my experiences on this from an "experiment" point of view. January the fifth is my fifth wedding aniversary...it seems like it was yesterday. In my marriage I have cried...and I have laughed..I have had fun...and I have not...had fun:). The longer I am married the more I discover new things about my husband. Some I love...some not so much...:)and I am pretty sure is the other way around...What I am trying to say is..We do err when we fail to allow differences in our relationship. You know, you think you got that person all figured out but people grow and change, knowing your spouse is a LIFETIME PROCESS.That's just life. My Philosophy about marriage is FIND LOVE, RESPECT, TRUST, HONESTY. " A person's face(or personality,differences,similarities) can change over a lifetime,but the heart can stay true forever." What do we miss when we judge people over this?
This is my humble opinion on my 5 years of marriage and I'm still learning...
One more thing Mike, if you allow me, I am still learning to not be afraid to love, to err, to cry, to hurt,to laugh and..to forgive.
Post a Comment
<< Home